Armed with my international relations knowledge, I wanted to
Armed with my international relations knowledge, I wanted to
Armed with my international relations knowledge, I wanted to
The Art of Anti-Perfectionist Dating
How has online dating changed during the pandemic? Here, I venture into this subculture and the side effects of "perfectionist" dating, with hyperlinks attached to each statistic to provide more information regarding this topic. This was initially going to be an exploration into online dating but was modified into "dating while social distancing" and written for a writing class during Spring 2020.
He splashes cologne all over his back, making sure to cover that musty, investment bank-like smell left at the office. She whips out her lipstick, generously tracing the ridges of her lips, making sure to hide her nervousness. 20 minutes later, these two strangers make small talk for the first time at that 4.8 Yelp-rated restaurant, their first date anxiety masked by the overpriced wine. Despite initial fears, their interests blossom into a relationship as they kiss, travel, and move in like any other regular couple.
What wasn't included in the seemingly perfect story-line were the number of questionable pick-up lines, selective memes, and frantic messaging it took for banker Carlton, "him" and writer Natalia, "her" to meet after their first encounter on Tinder. Carlton and Natalia's situation is relatively commonplace. 39% of couples reported meeting online in 2017 compared to 22% in 2007. The numbers continue to rise in the present day. With online meet-ups happening more frequently, this behavior counteracts the premise of first-time "boy meets girl" tropes that are seen in movies. Gone were the days of meeting in a fairytale ball like Cinderella and Prince Charming, to the occasional red-light run-in like Vivian and Edward and the fictitious hero-civilian romances like Tony Stark and Pepper Potts. The transition from virtual to physical meet-ups became more difficult for newly formed online couples to arrange as they fear their connection was solely fictitious. Individuals can adjust their self-image when speaking online as opposed to losing the ability to control how they are perceived when meeting offline. Serious online couples, however, continue to persist meeting up despite their hectic schedules to validate their virtual connection. In-person meet-ups became a necessity to see their fantasies turn into reality.
Fast forward to 2020, where the tenets of meeting a potential partner online rely on being socially distant yet emotionally connected. As governments continue to ban public gatherings due to the spread of the coronavirus, the definition of online hangouts began evolving to compensate for supposed real-life dates. Meet-ups at bars turned into Zoom happy hours, and "Netflix and chill" turned into Netflix partying, an extension allowing friends to watch Netflix remotely together. Dating companies began introducing new features to increase social conversation. Singles grappled with more inventive ways to meet a potential partner. Websites like Tinder and The Inner Circle rose in popularity, with the latter's number of messages rising by 116% within the last two weeks. The number of video calls increased by 50% to gauge the chemistry of an individual beyond the text. The norms of online dating began shifting drastically.
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Before the pandemic, whenever I would dabble in online dating, I would struggle to find the balance of sending flirty yet meaningful messages to my match before meeting them in person. I also communicate with as many of my matches to gage the best connection before choosing one to fully invest my time in. This feeling is widespread, as Tinder reports that initially, individuals take around three weeks to a month to suggest the first date on Tinder.
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People like myself face choice paralysis, which is the cognitive incapability of making a choice, due to having too many options. Why flirt with only 1-2 options when you have 3.5 million other potential matches? The indecisiveness often leads to "bread-crumbing," or the notion that people only flirt on text without actually meeting, as there is an added pressure which comes with arranging an offline meeting.
We try too hard to create a “perfect" in-person first date. All variables, such as logistics, ambiance, and timing, need to be impeccable — simply because we have too many options. Along with the expectation for perfect dates, society has created the notion that in an ideal relationship, one must have strong physical chemistry. We live in a world in which we associate the amount of physical chemistry we have with our partners as a more "perfect" relationship. Seeing couples travel together on Instagram, as well as hookups on shows like The Bachelor and Love Island, only further drive the point that individuals need to search for "perfectionism" in a partner. Both of these shows perpetuate a culture that the more physically attractive you and your partner look, the more socially accepted you will be. These shows, however, are not reflective of real life happiness.
So, is having a strong physical connection the “X-factor" in a relationship? Furthermore, is there a difference in how people communicate their love when attempting to meet people online during quarantine? Psychologists often look at five varying languages to determine the type of communication in a relationship that will provide the strongest chemistry between two individuals. Although we can see touch being a strong indicator of showing affection, it is actually quality time a majority of men and women value more. Men who indicate that they are firm believers of quality time as their love language on their Hinge profiles are two times more likely to get a direct message compared to someone boasting a more provocative profile. Since figuring out the physical aspects of in-person dates became a low priority, people's love language when meeting others during the quarantine has changed. Spending quality time soon triumphed over sending suggestive pictures. Time spent communicating on dating platforms became a form of currency. The more time spent conversing, the stronger your relationships would be. It thus became critical for singles when dating during home quarantine to make a good first impression without initial physical attraction and instead through quality time.
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People are thus shifting priorities and moving away from shallow to the real conversation to adapt to the changing love language when dating during the pandemic. In India, Bumble and Tinder have recorded 2.5 times longer chat threads and bio updates with frequent mentions of "stay safe" and "hand-washing." Due to the rising stringent measures of self-quarantine, people crave accompaniment and self-expression: mostly, talking about the quirks which make us human. Having an approachable personality nowadays triumphed over initial attractiveness. Nowadays, we are just looking for someone to talk to about their daily struggles, boredom, and fear during isolation.
In the picture above, google trends showed a rise in popularity when searching about “socially distant dating ideas” (blue), from a score of 7 at the beginning of March to a score of 100 towards the end. In contrast, searches of “sex on the first date” (red) and “good date restaurants” (yellow) diminished from a 30-40 search score at the beginning of March to a mere 10-15 in the end.
It is here that we can see a shift in mentality towards those entering the online dating arena, which I dub the rising art of anti-perfectionist dating. This new mindset relies on two fundamental ideologies you have to prepare yourself when entering this new wave of online dating during this time of crisis.
Recently, my friend told me the story of her dad and mom, who started dating senior year of High School. Her dad flew off to America for college, whereas her mom stayed in Jakarta, Indonesia. To maintain their relationship, they wrote letters detailing their insecurities, fears of separation, and more before getting married five years later. When looking at my friend's parents, even though they were a couple, their relationship can be compared to an online relationship now during coronavirus era. My friend's parents had limited in-person meet-ups and had to rely on other means to show their affection. Today, with 25 years of marriage under their belt, I asked her parents about the secret to maintaining love despite not having physical meet-ups. Their answer was simple, anti-perfectionist idea #1 — a heightened sense of vulnerability.
1. We have to be vulnerable.
Opening up to someone traditionally took five or six dates, but it has now reduced to a mere five-six hour FaceTime call. Vulnerability in conversations is now turning from a weakness into an asset. Psychologist Dr. Brene Brown's studies show that when we shut ourselves off from vulnerability, we distance ourselves from experiences that bring purposes to our lives. Emotional vulnerability, specifically during times of crisis, became a critical determinant of the strength of a relationship. As seen in movies like You've Got Mail, Kathleen Kelly's "Shopgirl" and Joe Fox's "NY152", despite being rival bookstore owners, were able to overlook their differences due to the deep conversations they had online. For Kathleen and Joe, as well as my friend's parents, vulnerability helped build a strong foundation before meeting up, reducing future conflict. In such an uncertain time, it is time for us to practice this vulnerability by transitioning from questions like "what is your body count?" to "what are your three core values?". Personal questions like these were explored by psychologist Arthur Aron, which has helped increase overall intimacy and closeness. Open prompts like "I feel ____ about ______" can help bridge this virtual boundary and prompt discussion on common fears, insecurities, and failures instead of sexuality. This will allow people to embrace anti-perfectionist mindsets. Online dating during the quarantine offers us a rare opportunity to seize the moment and ask these questions (14). Afterward, we can reap the rewards that come with these answers and end up with a stronger relationship.
2. Authenticity is key.
Aside from being vulnerable, the second pillar requires us to be authentic. A few months ago, a TV show that came out on Netflix broke stereotypical norms. In this show, ten men and ten women were isolated in pods, unable to see the appearance of the male/female. This groundbreaking show was Love Is Blind, and saw the successful marriages of the biracial pairing Lauren and Cameron as well as the pairing of over-the-top Amber and relaxed Barnett. With such a bizarre concept, no one would have anticipated reality to currently mirror a real-life Love Is Blind simulation. We are stuck in the "pods," trying to form a connection due to social distancing. The couples that found success were not only vulnerable but opened up quickly as they had the second pillar of anti-perfectionist dating — a need for honesty.
It is how individuals from two very different backgrounds can overlook stereotypes and focus on finding genuine emotional connections. One dating app, Blindlee, encourages strangers to have a 3 minute "blind" video interaction to strip away superficial aspects of the dating world. The anti-perfectionist mindset of honesty allows us to eliminate our boundaries and present the most authentic versions of ourselves. The days of obsessing over the right clothing, salon treatments, and frequent mouth-washing were long gone. All you need is yourself and wi-fi. Because we have the luxury of video calling through Zoom and FaceTime, people are turning into more creative ways to date and form connections. Some of these innovative forms of dating include serenading through guitar-playing, watching movies, filming a TikTok dance challenge, following recipes together, and more. Little nuances that showcase our real personalities serve more than words and prompts greater sincerity in a relationship. Studies conducted by Dr. Lisa Firestone shows that with increased honesty, people will live in reality as opposed to fantasy and share it with somebody else. With the rise of shows and apps focusing on increasing vulnerability and authenticity in a relationship, it is crucial to showcase our true selves and remain receptive to this new dating mentality during this quarantine period. (15).
Coronavirus is impacting the usually predictable formula of online dating. Because of this, what we may see in the future is people immersing themselves in a dating arena filled with greater inclusivity. Dating apps like Tinder are also recognizing the opportunity to form more long-lasting international connections by introducing a passport feature for members, prompting greater ability to meet individuals outside of your personality type, race, and religion. The rise of online dating has grown in tandem with interracial and inter-religious couples within the USA. Tinder's and other dating apps' new features, coupled with the new wave of dating characterized by honesty and vulnerability, will only increase these relationships. Although there is a risk that a virtual relationship will survive in real life, it will allow people to practice tolerance. This trait people find difficult to adopt due to our human nature of being too judgemental. Slowly, this fosters a small silver lining in this pandemic-stricken time where everyone seeks escapism in a time of uncertainty.
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Let’s go back to that initial meet-up between Carlton and Natalia. If they had met virtually without physical contact, Carlton wouldn’t be able to spray cologne and hide about the fact that he was fired two months ago. Natalia couldn’t hide behind her borrowed friends’ lipstick and five rejected drafts from publishing houses. If two of them had entered the online relationship with the anti-perfectionist mindset, they would have avoided the need to hide behind a facade during their first in-person date. For individuals looking for online love during the pandemic present day, this mindset will help form deeper, stronger connections to prepare for the dreaded in-person meet-up once home quarantine restrictions are eased. If we adopt this mentality, we may find our future spouse or future partner. But if not, we’ll find a true friend, and in an era of uncertainty, that is what we all need.
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